; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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