You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
