There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
