I wish I could teleport
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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