This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
