you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
