She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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