beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize