Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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