k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
