Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
