I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
