Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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