umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
