News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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