He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
