i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
