i'm signing you up for texting rehab
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
