Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
