she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
