My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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