I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
