I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
