He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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