i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
