I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
