The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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