I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
