he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
birth control should be required to get into college
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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