I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
