I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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