I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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