I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
