She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize