I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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