On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
