I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
we're making bets on your personal life
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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