a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
