I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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