Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
