ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
