i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
