Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
