I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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