Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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