I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
