We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My dad is sitting where you rode me
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
