there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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