Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
