I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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