why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
