It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
